As she spoke, I could feel the frustration grow even more intense within me. I did what we do as pastors. I forced a smile. I nodded. Graciously, I thanked her for those words. But in my mind, I immediately began to get more irritated with life and with circumstances and how I felt like nothing was how it should be. Never could I have imagined what God was beginning with the words of a faithful woman of God, something that would be painful but necessary, excruciating but imperative. He was about to break me.
Frustration comes in so many forms. From the aggravation of feeling like our lives are on hold, like when the wait for what is next seems never-ending, to the frustration of feeling like every area of life is falling apart, when frustration sets in, it overwhelms. The season of frustration I have gone through in my life has seemed like the length of years that the children of Israel were in the wilderness, wandering around and wondering if they were getting anywhere. Today, it finally hit the breaking point.
As I drove to take our taxes, the stress of a million things sitting unfinished with a million more to do consumed my every thought. Then came the uncertainty of things. Those thoughts only added to the chaos storming through the cells of the brain. Unable to take anymore, I threw in a CD a friend had given me, hoping some worship music would calm my mental storm. Aptly named "Way Cool 2", I listened to the songs and tried to refocus on anything other than what had been brewing previously. Then, it happened. "Thy Will", the song by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family, began playing and as I drove, I broke.
What had been held inside so long could no longer be contained. Trying to be all things for all people had taken its toll as I could not be who I needed to be for myself and for the Lord. The very things I knew were going to happen, the dreams of the heart that kept me pressing on another day, seemed to be crashing into a million pieces on the floor. The very vision for what would be had become nothing more than travelling through the dense fog of unrealistic expectations, wading through worldliness infecting the things of God, and desperation. With each line of the song, I could see how she had captured the very frustration that I have lived in and then, it hit, when she sang:
"I don't wanna think I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of Your plan."
Everything inside me melted. What had begun to lack feeling, a growing numbness that was becoming more alarming with each day, began to let go of the pain and the aggravation, the very hurt that could not be voiced. As the pastor, and as a father and husband, the belief that I could not be broken was dangerous, because whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was broken. For once, I didn't care if someone drove by me and saw me shattered. Hiding it had benefitted no one along the way.
"I know You're good, but this don't feel good right now."
Painful is not enjoyable. When expectations are shattered and broken, the resulting sting of pain is memorable. Such a pain is memorable because it is not to be forgotten; it is a display of the power of God to overcome even our strongest defenses. The walls, the barriers, the exterior that we place up in the hopes of no one sensing our vulnerability have no strength when they are torn down by the very One who created us. I can tell you, I only hurt that way one other time in life, and it was a time when God had to break me down. I didn't think I needed to be broken again, and though the circumstances this time were far different from the last, the pain of it will be nonetheless memorable. I had frustrations that began to change me, away from who God had created me to be, morphing into someone who simply could go no further...and it was hurting.
"Sometimes I gotta stop, remember You are God, and I am not..."
As the tears rolled, the truth of those words rang true. I am not God. I am not in control. So often, we live our lives as if our plan, our timeline, our blueprint is what matters. We fall prey to the idea that somehow we are in charge of a life that we had no control in creating from the beginning. To be reminded of who God is and how God is ultimately in charge, that He is the One who is worthy and able to direct where we are to go and who we are to be is humbling.
"I know You see me, I know You hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me, goodness You have in store."
He saw every tear. He knew every frustration and He could sense every aggravation that had built up. Throughout this season, He had never been unaware of it all and He knew that this day would come. In His infinite wisdom, He knew that this moment would come when that CD was put together a year prior, when those words were spoken after the service last night. A frustrated man was about to be broken by a holy and loving God who could watch His child suffer no more. As all of it flowed out, I hit repeat on the song, hoping God would completely empty out what needed to leave.
By the end, I was driving in circles, trying to get myself together to go in the house. The realness of the moment was this - I was broken, shattered in a million pieces, but at least I could feel something again. At least what had filled up my heart and mind had finally flooded out so He could put it all back together. So though I sat shattered and shaken, in the hands of the Potter, this life can be salvaged. And all I could utter, as those pieces lay in shambles on the ground was:
"Thy Will be done."
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