For the past four days since he passed away, I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I wanted to stay inside, lay in my bed, and be away from it all. Life wouldn't allow it. There were places to be, things to be done, and my grandmother needed us in this time in her life. So, I trudged out of bed each day, tried to force a smile and tried to do the best I could to do what I could for others though I could barely take another step myself.
Today, as I prepared for the funeral, I received three rejection letters for book proposals. As I thought about the struggle of never seeing my grandfather again on this earthly plain and I thought about the rejections, if I had my way, I would have laid back in bed, covered my head with the sheets and blankets, and allowed myself a chance to call it a day. But, I couldn't. I had to keep going. I had a funeral to speak at and I had other responsibilities.
As the time came for the funeral, I tried to focus on the family, tried to encourage them and support them and grieve the loss myself simultaneously. You see, I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted life to stop, for the day to give mercy, for the next lethal blow to my life and my future to be avoided. I looked at my bed as I got ready for the funeral. "If only I could lay down, I would be able to sleep and forget it all for awhile." Such thoughts nearly drove me to the bed. I was ready to give up on life.
Then, it happened. I am the type that if I make a commitment, I will do all that I can to fulfill it unless it simply cannot be fulfilled. So I went to the funeral. Paw Paw was gone. I had experienced the rejections. The question in my mind was, "What is going on, God?"
I stood in front of over three hundred people and talked to them about Jesus. I told of the faith of the man who had affected so many lives and I told of the love that God has for each person there. I shared from the gospel of John, the 23rd Psalm, 1 Corinthians, and Romans. For thirty minutes, I had a chance to share Jesus. Had I just said "no more" or just stayed in bed, what an opportunity would have been lost!
There are so many times in life where we feel like waving the surrender flag and saying, "I'm going to lay down and never get up again." There are those moments when a wave crashes over you and before you catch your breath, another is pummeling you and leaving you beaten, battered, bruised, and bloodied. Do you give up? Do you just stay down so the next one cannot crash over you? Do you just scream, "I can't do this anymore"? Such would be the easy way out. Such would be the way that leads to regrets later.
In 2nd Corinthians, Paul writes in the fourth chapter, "Therefore, since we have this ministry because we were shown mercy, we do not give up." (2 Corinthians 4:1 HCSB) As I read those words, I thought about where I had been in my past. To even be here today is an act of mercy by God. To be given the ministry that I have been given is an even greater act of mercy by God. I read on. Scripture has a way of drawing us to a place where our emptiness finds fulfillment, where our depleted selves find renewed passion. Paul wrote, "We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:8-9) Oh, the strength that comes from the Word of God. Then, again, Paul wrote, "Therefore we do not give up." (2 Corinthians 4:16)
Life will give you a series of events that will lead you to a place where you say, "I don't think I am going to get up again." But faith leads you to get up again, lean upon the strength of the Lord, and to know that there will be moments that present themselves that are inexplicably inspired by God, where you can proclaim the reason you have hope. I wanted to stay in bed, but the Lord wanted me to talk to over 300 people about the love of Jesus, the cross of Christ, and the life that is found in Jesus' victory over the grave. I am so glad I didn't just stay in bed!
In Memory of Clifton Clapp - July 23rd, 2018
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